Yesterday was a bad day. I had those thoughts. I hate thinking about cutting myself. I haven't been thinking about it for ages, and yesterday I did.I don't know why, but the thought appeared suddenly. But today, I hope, will be a good day and I'll be in a good mood, especially because I'm meeting my friends in the evening.
Yesterday:
salad - 150 kcal
cereals with milk - 150 kcal
2 big coffees - 50 kcal
3 rice cakes - 106 kcal
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456 kcal
( + excersises x 2)
Not bad!
Dear Prudence - The Beatles (bootleg - recorded in George Harrison's house)
I am a bit sick, just as I wrote in the last post. I was laying in the bed and eating for the whole Sunday. It's Ok to eat more during the weekend, but not that much. So I felt so full and bad two hours ago, that I deciced to do something. Now it's better, I was excersising for more than an hour. Of course it's not enough to loose all of those callories. But it's better than doing nothing.
And I feel better. Maybe excersises are good for flu, too :)
Today I went to the gym after a long time (1 year). I love treadmill. Yes, now I can say I love it. Just had to remind myself I do. 14 km/h - the best speed for me. I love this feeling when I know I have no more energy but I keep running. Don't remember when I've been feeling that good.
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By the way, it's probably silly, but I have to admitt I don't understand all of those Dove commercials. I've just seen one in TV. Those women are fat. Why? I like watching commercials with slim ones. When I'm watching Dove commercials I can't focus on cosmetics. Looking at those girls, and they weight (20-30 pounds more than it should be), I think it's disguisting (a bit). And it's not making me buy those body balms and shower gels.
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It's a nice day. I'm in a good mood in spite of the flu. Yes, I'm sick a bit. During weekend I can eat what I want and don't care. It's the rule no 2, after the 1st one: no more than 700-800 kcal during the rest of the week. I know I'm fat.
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Yes I need to write now how fat I am, so don't read it. Too fat, very fat, my ass is so so so so so so big. I hate myself (sometimes) for being so fat and ugly. No, I don't hate myself for being fat. I hate myself I can't control myself. Cellulite on my legs is terrible. My tits are small. I'd look like a teen ( if my stupid ugly fat ass wasn't so big), have problems with buying bras. So the problem is hilarious big as and small tits. Ok, that's better. To the point!
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Eating for 2 days and quit eating for the rest of the week is better than starving for the whole time, being rude and tired. I'm not strong enough. And I'm afraid of loosing hair. It worked for the last few months (I lot for about 10 kg). Now I'm excersising 2 times a day and I'm proud of myself.
I'm reading my novel. Yes, I wrote one. I don't want to publish, wrote it for myself, to prove I can write more than 10 pages. I can. Few month ago I found my old story (written in a notebook ten years ago) and I decided to end it. Now it's almost 100 pages :)
It's a good day.
The Hoolies - Do you love me
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Yesterday wasn't.
I was so tired after eating only 4 rice cakes (144 kcal) for the whole day. My husband asked me what's going on. I was in a really bad mood, wanted him to shut up and don't bother me. He said I should eat the soup and he'll go to the grocery and buy some things and we'll prepare spaghetti bolognese.
I said OK.
When he left, I poured away the soup.
I said I ate it, and prepared spaghetti. Eaten 1 glass of it (300 kcal).
But then I ate 2 cups of cereals with low fat milk (300 kcal) and a muesli bar (90 kcal).
So it was almost 850 kcal. Bad. I have to eat more during the day. I won't be binging in the evenings.
Sometimes I think I'll be better without my husband. I could eat (don't eat at all) what I want. I'm worrying about him for all of the time. He wants to be slimmer, and thinks my diet is good (because he lost some pounds). That's why I'm cooking and eating. I don't want him to 'dieting' like I do. I want him to be happy and slim (but in the normal way - low fat products, no sweets, lot of vegetables). My 'diets' are not made for him.
Few days ago I told him I don't know what to do with my old trousers. I bought them few month ago and they don't fit now (too baggy, I can put them on without unzipping). I asked him if I should throw them out. We don't want to get back to this weight, do we? We want it to be lower. That's what he said. But don't throw them out. And I saw in his eyes he doesn't believe I can do it. Loose some weight.
I know he loves me, and thinks I am slim and pretty. I love him but I know it's not true.
I'm not proud of myself because I have the problem with food. It's not a disorder, like ana. I'm 130 Ibs of fat and flesh, it can't be ana, I'm too fat. I've always had it, and couldn't have accepted it. The little voice in my head. I'm figthing now. Don't know which way I should choose.
Starvation and urge to starve are feelings that only some people feel. I feel it. I was always thinking about callories and weight. I don't remember time when I wasn't counting callories. Sometimes I am tired of doing that for all of the time. I'm going to grocery, looking at labels with callories. I can't stop.
Maybe it's time to accept things and be the way I've always wanted to. To accept I have that problem and don't fight. Just accept it's part of my life.
Sometimes when I'm reading your blogs I don't want to comment. I don't want you to be sick, to starve. You're beautiful people, girls and boys. I don't want you to feel the way I feel sometimes. You don't deserve it.
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To the point, I ate more than 400 kcal yesterday. Not bad, just for about 700 kcal. I was so hungry in the evening I've lost my mind and ate tortellini.
Ok, today's the day I'll eat less than 400 kcal. Yes, that's my plan. I've eaten one rice cake (36 kcal) and drunk one coffe (15 kcal). Not bad.
There'll be 2 more coffes today (30 kcal). I'll eat my dinner after 8 pm. I know, it's late, but till then I'll eat 2 more rice cakes (72 kcal). For dinner, I'll eat a salad - lettuce, pepper, mustard, egg white, linseed, bran, tomato (for about 150 kcal). Oh yes, I love planning.
I'm in a good mood. I love such mornings when I have a lot of energy. Problems still exist, but I don't matter any more. For some time.
