As time goes by

I'm going home today. My aunt's feeling bad, she's (probably) going to the hospital on Monday so I want to be with her for the next two days. I think she needs to talk to somebody, and the rest of my family is not good for it. Everyone's terrified, but nobody wants to talk with her.

So it'll be a hard weekend.

Today I'm starting another fast. Hope, I'll make it. Wish me luck.

Hugs & kisses, be strong and slim! :)

We can work it out

I decided to start a 60 days Challenge. Hope it'll help me loose some pounds (10 pounds precisely :)). Today I'm feeling fine. The fast went OK (I ate some things in the evenig but it wasn't binging). It was rather funny. My hands were shaking when I was holding knife and fork. I was trying to hide it from my husband. Pathetic but funny. He didn't realize I didn't eat anything because I said I ate at work. Then I ate 4 chocolates. Yes, yes, I know, not good. But I don't care. Today and tommorow will be better. All of my life will be better. I don't know why I am so excited :) But I really am. 

I decided to eat breakfast every day. It's not easy, because usually I'm not hungry in the morning. But I made myself to eat 1/2 of grapefruit (50 kcal). I'm having the second half for lunch (50 kcal).  

I think the next days will be the veggie/fruit fiesta :) No meat, no pasta, no rice. Just vegetables and fruits. So for the dinner I'm planning a nice salad (150 kcal) or boiled vegetables (200 kcal). It depends on what I'll find in my fridge :) 

It won't be more than 500 kcal today. 

(Don't think about cutting. Don't thing I'm disguisting.)

I think I can work it out :) 

The Beatles - We Can Work It Out (2009 Stereo Remaster)

.

* FASTING*

http://theswingingsixties.tumblr.com

Francoise Hardy

Worst weekend ever

Oh. I hate weekends. I binged. And then cut myself yesterday. Only a little cut on my right wrist. Why? I don't know why. Maybe I was courious. Maybe I wanted to punish myself because I am fat, disguisting pig. A pig that wants to stuff her mouth with chocolate. I hate myself when I'm looking at people eating.

I hate eating. I hate myself when I'm eating. And hate thinking about food. Now I'm thinking about it. Chocolate, crisps, cheese, bread, sweets. A girl in my office's eating her breakfast. Oh God, I hate it. I'm taking a sip of coffe (0,0% fat milk). The sound of eating. That little mantra in my head. Sweets, sweets, sweets, chocolate, sugar, sugar. Eat me. Sometimes I can't stand it. All I'm thinkig about now is going to the shop, buying some chocolate bars, stuff my mouth with it. Taste them.Feel them, smell them.

I'm feeling like fucking Alice in Wonderland. Food's calling me :) Eat me, drink me.


(Of course I was stupid and cut the rignt wrist. I'm right-handed so it's aching when I'm writting). 

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Edit:

Today: 

192 kcal salad
38 kcal rice cake
15 kcal (2 coffe, 0,0% fat milk)
2x tea

It's better now. I've already eaten 245 kcal and it's 3 pm. Not bad. Today I'm visiting my friend and her little babygirl so I'll be busy (means not eating till evening). So if I'll be strong enough I'll probably eat about 600 kcal today. That'd be great.

Tommorow's weighting day. I'm so scared after that weekend. Hope it'll be lower than 60 kg. If I gained some pounds, I'll be mad.

I - ME - MINE

I've eaten a lot yesterday. But it wasn't more than 1000 kcal, so I'm telling myself it's not that bad. Everything would be perfect without those toasts. I don't know why I bought bread and cheese. I was stupid. 

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Stupid and fat. Yes. That's the part where I write about myself again. I need to write it but you don't have to read. So don't read it. I'm creepy. Yes I am. And all of those thoughts. I - me - mine - I - me - mine. I hate thinking about myself. So fucking selfish. Every sentence starts with I- ME - MINE. God. It's so frustrating. Each time I start talking I'm focused on the word 'I'. I hate it. Want to talk without it. Just don't talk about myself. But I'm doing it again, here. The appearance is a part of it. I want to vanish. Sometimes. Don't have to exist. It's not a suicidal thought. Not this time.

The Beatles - I Me Mine

I'm talking about the whole I - ME - MINE - being selfish - because my friends say that I have to focus on myself. Your mother's problems with alcohol. She's sick, but you HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your family is quarreling for all of the time, but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. No, don't be mad that your parents didn't remember about your Birtday (last year), just FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your aunt's cancer and she's dying, but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your brother can't get any work but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your fiance is a bastard (a long story) but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. 

And now I'm just courious - HOW?

So for the last few months every time they've been asking me what's going on, I responded that:

- my mother is an alcoholic

- my aunt is dying

- I mean nothing to my family and they forgot about my Birthday

- my brother is lazy

- my fiance is a bastard

but I'm FOCUSING ON MY LIFE, ON MYSELF, my relationships, my work, my time. I - ME - MINE. Bullshit. I hate it. Hate talking about it. It's easy to say you have to be strong. OMG YOU'RE SO STRONG, my friends say sometimes. It's a crap. I can't even be strong enough to eat less. 

I just want to tell them that my mother's drinking, my aunt is dying, my brother is so lazy he can't get any job, and my fiance (now my husband) hurt me so much and I can't focus on I-ME-MINE life. I just can't. I want to cry and be weak and tell them I can't stand be strong any more.

But I'm not like that. 

Edie Sedgwick

http://tyamazing.tumblr.com/

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Yesterday:

560 kcal - toasts

131 kcal - halva 

100 kcal - sandwich

114 kcal - 3x rice cakes

60 kcal - 3 x coffe

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965 kcal

( + 1x excersise - I felt so bad I wasn't able to excersise in the evening)

Dreaming

The meeting was great. We were talking about law (my friend is a lawyer) and punishment. About crimes, especially murders and statistics. I didn't know that 70% homicide cases are unsolved each year. When I was younger I was reading detective stories for all of the time (I still love Christie and Conan Doyle), I was so so so so interested and happy that someone can tell me more about the real trials.I know I am creepy :)

So I drunk 2 beers, of course, I couldn't resist. I came back home at 11 pm, being tired and hungry,  I made some spaghetti with spinach (not good). I ate 994 kcal yesterday, and half of it was a beer. Not too bad. 

Not too good at the other hand. I have to eat less than 600 kcal today. My weight is killing me. It's still 130 Ibs. 

------------

Yesterday:

2 x Desperados - 472 kcal

1/2 apple - 40 kcal

1 rice cake - 36 kcal

3 x coffe - 100 kcal (fat milk)

spaghetti - 350 kcal

----------------

998 kcal

Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong - Dream a little dream of me

This song makes me dream about first snow. Me, coffe, cigarette in a little cafe.

Dear Prudence, let me see your smile

Yesterday was a bad day. I had those thoughts. I hate thinking about cutting myself. I haven't been thinking about it for ages, and yesterday I did.I don't know why, but the thought appeared suddenly. But today, I hope, will be a good day and I'll be in a good mood, especially because I'm meeting my  friends in the evening. 

Yesterday:

salad - 150 kcal

cereals with milk - 150 kcal

2 big coffees - 50 kcal

3 rice cakes - 106 kcal

--------

456 kcal

( + excersises x 2)

Not bad!

Dear Prudence - The Beatles (bootleg - recorded in George Harrison's house)

Da capo al fine

Useless, fat, boring, stupid me. And that's all about me today. 

Wish you're having a good day! (Really)

.

I am a bit sick, just as I wrote in the last post. I was laying in the bed and eating for the whole Sunday. It's Ok to eat more during the weekend, but not that much. So I felt so full and bad two hours ago, that I deciced to do something. Now it's better, I was excersising for more than an hour. Of course it's not enough to loose all of those callories. But it's better than doing nothing.

And I feel better. Maybe excersises are good for flu, too :)

Stay strong, be yourself!

Weekend

Today I went to the gym after a long time (1 year). I love treadmill. Yes, now I can say I love it. Just had to remind myself I do. 14 km/h - the best speed for me. I love this feeling when I know I have no more energy but I keep running. Don't remember when I've been feeling that good.

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By the way, it's probably silly, but I have to admitt I don't understand all of those Dove commercials. I've just seen one in TV. Those women are fat. Why? I like watching commercials with slim ones. When I'm watching Dove commercials I can't focus on cosmetics. Looking at those girls, and they weight (20-30 pounds more than it should be), I think it's disguisting (a bit). And it's not making me buy those body balms and shower gels. 

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It's a nice day. I'm in a good mood in spite of the flu. Yes, I'm sick a bit. During weekend I can eat what I want and don't care. It's the rule no 2, after the 1st one: no more than 700-800 kcal during the rest of the week. I know I'm fat.

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Yes I need to write now how fat I am, so don't read it. Too fat, very fat, my ass is so so so so so so big. I hate myself (sometimes) for being so fat and ugly. No, I don't hate myself for being fat. I hate myself I can't control myself. Cellulite on my legs is terrible. My tits are small. I'd look like a teen ( if my stupid ugly fat ass wasn't so big), have problems with buying bras. So the problem is hilarious big as and small tits. Ok, that's better. To the point!

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Eating for 2 days and quit eating for the rest of the week is  better than starving for the whole time, being rude and tired. I'm not strong enough. And I'm afraid of loosing hair. It worked for the last few months (I lot for about 10 kg). Now I'm excersising 2 times a day and I'm proud of myself.

The Hoolies - It's in her kiss

4/11

I'm reading my novel. Yes, I wrote one. I don't want to publish, wrote it for myself, to prove I can write more than 10 pages. I can. Few month ago I found my old story (written in a notebook ten years ago) and I decided to end it. Now it's almost 100 pages :)

It's a good day. 

The Hoolies - Do you love me

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Yesterday wasn't. 

I was so tired after eating only 4 rice cakes (144 kcal) for the whole day. My husband asked me what's going on. I was in a really bad mood, wanted him to shut up and don't bother me. He said I should eat the soup and he'll go to the grocery and buy some things and we'll prepare spaghetti bolognese.

I said OK.

When he left, I poured away the soup.

I said I ate it, and prepared spaghetti. Eaten 1 glass of it (300 kcal).

But then I ate 2 cups of cereals with low fat milk (300 kcal) and a muesli bar (90 kcal).

So it was almost 850 kcal. Bad. I have to eat more during the day. I won't be binging in the evenings.

Jane Shrimpton

http://www.dailymail.co.uk

Sometimes I think I'll be better without my husband. I could eat (don't eat at all) what I want. I'm worrying about him for all of the time. He wants to be slimmer, and thinks my diet is good (because he lost some pounds). That's why I'm cooking and eating. I don't want him to 'dieting' like I do. I want him to be happy and slim (but in the normal way - low fat products, no sweets, lot of vegetables). My 'diets' are not made for him.

Few days ago I told him I don't know what to do with my old trousers. I bought them few month ago and they don't fit now (too baggy, I can put them on without unzipping). I asked him if I should throw them out. We don't want to get back to this weight, do we? We want it to be lower. That's what he said. But don't throw them out. And I saw in his eyes he doesn't believe I can do it. Loose some weight.

I know he loves me, and thinks I am slim and pretty. I love him but I know it's not true.

Reality

I'm not proud of myself because I have the problem with food. It's not a disorder, like ana. I'm 130 Ibs of fat and flesh, it can't be ana, I'm too fat. I've always had it, and couldn't have accepted it. The little voice in my head. I'm figthing now. Don't know which way I should choose. 

Starvation and urge to starve are feelings that only some people feel. I feel it. I was always thinking about callories and weight. I don't remember time when I wasn't counting callories. Sometimes I am tired of doing that for all of the time. I'm going to grocery, looking at labels with callories. I can't stop. 

Maybe it's time to accept things and be the way I've always wanted to. To accept I have that problem and don't fight. Just accept it's part of my life. 

Sometimes when I'm reading your blogs I don't want to comment. I don't want you to be sick, to starve. You're beautiful people, girls and boys. I don't want you to feel the way I feel sometimes. You don't deserve it. 

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To the point, I ate more than 400 kcal yesterday. Not bad, just for about 700 kcal. I was so hungry in the evening I've lost my mind and ate tortellini. 

3 coffes > 45 kcal

3 rice cakes > 108 kcal

3/4 glass of jelly > 60 kcal

cherry vodka % cola > 150 kcal

soup with tortellini > 300 kcal

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663 kcal

I have to be strong today. Means stronger. 

Marianne Faithfull

http://theswingingsixties.tumblr.com

So, so, strange

Ok, today's the day I'll eat less than 400 kcal. Yes, that's my plan. I've eaten one rice cake (36 kcal) and drunk one coffe (15 kcal). Not bad. 

There'll be 2 more coffes today (30 kcal). I'll eat my dinner after 8 pm. I know, it's late, but till then I'll eat 2 more rice cakes (72 kcal). For dinner, I'll eat a salad - lettuce, pepper, mustard, egg white, linseed, bran, tomato (for about 150 kcal). Oh yes, I love planning. 

I'm in a good mood. I love such mornings when I have a lot of energy. Problems still exist, but I don't matter any more. For some time.

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So it should be 303 kcal. We'll see.

http://affairedamourvintage.com

The pic is strange. I feel that way today. Funny and strange.