I've eaten a lot yesterday. But it wasn't more than 1000 kcal, so I'm telling myself it's not that bad. Everything would be perfect without those toasts. I don't know why I bought bread and cheese. I was stupid.
Stupid and fat. Yes. That's the part where I write about myself again. I need to write it but you don't have to read. So don't read it. I'm creepy. Yes I am. And all of those thoughts. I - me - mine - I - me - mine. I hate thinking about myself. So fucking selfish. Every sentence starts with I- ME - MINE. God. It's so frustrating. Each time I start talking I'm focused on the word 'I'. I hate it. Want to talk without it. Just don't talk about myself. But I'm doing it again, here. The appearance is a part of it. I want to vanish. Sometimes. Don't have to exist. It's not a suicidal thought. Not this time.
The Beatles - I Me Mine
I'm talking about the whole I - ME - MINE - being selfish - because my friends say that I have to focus on myself. Your mother's problems with alcohol. She's sick, but you HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your family is quarreling for all of the time, but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. No, don't be mad that your parents didn't remember about your Birtday (last year), just FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your aunt's cancer and she's dying, but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your brother can't get any work but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Your fiance is a bastard (a long story) but YOU HAVE TO FOCUS ON YOURSELF.
And now I'm just courious - HOW?
So for the last few months every time they've been asking me what's going on, I responded that:
but I'm FOCUSING ON MY LIFE, ON MYSELF, my relationships, my work, my time. I - ME - MINE. Bullshit. I hate it. Hate talking about it. It's easy to say you have to be strong. OMG YOU'RE SO STRONG, my friends say sometimes. It's a crap. I can't even be strong enough to eat less.
I just want to tell them that my mother's drinking, my aunt is dying, my brother is so lazy he can't get any job, and my fiance (now my husband) hurt me so much and I can't focus on I-ME-MINE life. I just can't. I want to cry and be weak and tell them I can't stand be strong any more.
But I'm not like that.
560 kcal - toasts
131 kcal - halva
100 kcal - sandwich
114 kcal - 3x rice cakes
60 kcal - 3 x coffe
( + 1x excersise - I felt so bad I wasn't able to excersise in the evening)