Monday, 14 November 2011

Worst weekend ever

Oh. I hate weekends. I binged. And then cut myself yesterday. Only a little cut on my right wrist. Why? I don't know why. Maybe I was courious. Maybe I wanted to punish myself because I am fat, disguisting pig. A pig that wants to stuff her mouth with chocolate. I hate myself when I'm looking at people eating.

I hate eating. I hate myself when I'm eating. And hate thinking about food. Now I'm thinking about it. Chocolate, crisps, cheese, bread, sweets. A girl in my office's eating her breakfast. Oh God, I hate it. I'm taking a sip of coffe (0,0% fat milk). The sound of eating. That little mantra in my head. Sweets, sweets, sweets, chocolate, sugar, sugar. Eat me. Sometimes I can't stand it. All I'm thinkig about now is going to the shop, buying some chocolate bars, stuff my mouth with it. Taste them.Feel them, smell them.

I'm feeling like fucking Alice in Wonderland. Food's calling me :) Eat me, drink me.

(Of course I was stupid and cut the rignt wrist. I'm right-handed so it's aching when I'm writting). 



192 kcal salad
38 kcal rice cake
15 kcal (2 coffe, 0,0% fat milk)
2x tea

It's better now. I've already eaten 245 kcal and it's 3 pm. Not bad. Today I'm visiting my friend and her little babygirl so I'll be busy (means not eating till evening). So if I'll be strong enough I'll probably eat about 600 kcal today. That'd be great.

Tommorow's weighting day. I'm so scared after that weekend. Hope it'll be lower than 60 kg. If I gained some pounds, I'll be mad.

1 comment:

  1. I know I hate eating because it becomes such an addiction...It's like daring an alcoholic to just have one drink, or go to a bar and not drink...Watching people eat, smelling, hearing it...It just throws me into some sort of trance. I'm sorry your weekend was rough!
    With love,