Monday, 31 October 2011


That's a really nice morning. The scale shows 58,5 kg (129 Ibs). I'm slimmer than yesterday and it's about 1 pound. I know it's probably water, but it doesn't matter. It gave me the strenght to fight. 

I'm drinking coffe, thinking about today. It's All Souls' Day and I don't have to go to work, so I need a plan. Yes, a plan. I'm always planning. My husband's laughing at me because I have a plan for every minute of a day.  

Drink up me


2 x coffe with milk - 20 kcal
salad - 150 kcal
3 x rum & cola - 399 kcal

 569 kcal

Well, drinks, drinks, drinks. It's Halloween, I can drink. I know, it's bad. Yes, I know there's sugar, a lot of sugar in them, but... But there is no fat in them ;) So not too bad.

Sunday, 30 October 2011


you can be so strong, deary. just find it within yourself. perhaps you don't have to starve yourself, but at least have enough faith in yourself that you can eat adequately (moderate amount of junk, mostly healthy, etc). I've read your blog, and you're this strong willed, valiant girl- so find it within yourself.
We can do it both, together.

Of course we can :) I made myself to excersise yesterday evening and felt better. This morning I've mande some extra excersises. And now I can say, I'm back! :) Sometimes the little voice in my head (the bad one) says I can eat everything's in my fridge. Especially if it's weekend and I'm not blogging, not going to work, not looking at thispo. 

At 132 and 5'6'', you are the same bmi as me at 4'11.75'' and 112 pounds. So let's encourage each other, eh? 

I'd love to! :) 

I pretty much spent all of saturday and today watching season 7 and what's out of season 8 - sad yet comforting. I always take solice in the fact that by comparison, I'm only a tiny fuck up! HAha. XX

I'm not a fan, but yesterday was a House day in AXN and I couldn't resist. I love the Cuddy look. Maybe one day I'll look like her. :)


I've just seen a face - Across the Universe OST


Nothing to write about. Eating, watching 'House MD' (for the last 12 hours), feeling bad. Just an usual weekend. I can't excersise, no, I don't want to, feeling fat. Can't be strong enough. I'm tired and weak. Just weak.

Sunny day, the moment you think everything can happen. When you feel you will reach for the branch and pick an apple of happiness. It's so near. 

Friday, 28 October 2011

New scale

It wasn't a bad day. I bought a scale, and.... it's 59 kg (130 Ibs). That's good! I hoped it would be less than 130, but was afraid that'd be more than 132 Ibs. My BMI is 20,4. So I am glad. Now I have a work to do. The next goal is 55 kg (121 Ibs).

350 kcal gorgonzola
150 kcal roll
138 kcal + 86 kcal = 224 kcal beer & sprite 50/50
20 kcal coffe


= 744 kcal

(+ 100 sit ups)


I'm feeling weird. No, I am weird. My mind is full of fears like before Christmas at home. Strange feeling. I feel some strange Christmas thing around from few days. The ghost of Christmas. 

Maybe because it's so cold outside. This week I was wearing my EMU boots, beret, coat, gloves and a warm scarf. And of course seaters (long and warm ones). Godzilla in long , too big sweaters - that was me :)

And a travel mug filled with hot coffe with cinnamon and ginger of course. 


Charlot Kemp Muhl. She's so pretty.

GOASTT (Sean Lennon & Charlotte Kemp Muhl) - Rainbows in Gasoline

Thursday, 27 October 2011


Ok, today was a good day. Better than yesterday. I'm reading "Millenium" by Larsson, drinking tea. Perfect evening. 

2 bisquis with chocolate cream (60 kcal) 
1 cup of Green Tea with Lemon
2 cups of Green Tea
1 cup of Pepermint Tea
2 cups of coffe (20 kcal)
2 bowls of soup (300 kcal)


380 kcal today!

(+ 100 sit-ups)

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Not bad / not good

The girl looks great. Such a lovely face, and her arms... so slim. I love this pic. It's my thinspiration for today.
Yesterday I got my period, so (of course) I ate a lot. I realized that during the period (1st day) I don't eat anything (because I'm not hungry) or I eat a lot. This time I ate 20 bisquits (1 is 11 kcal) with chocolate cream (1 spoon is 80 kcal). (OMG!!! 380 kcal). 

It wasn't more than 1200 kcal yesterday and it's not  that bad. I could have eaten more (and more and more). But I didn't (positive thinking, tx *Star*) :)


I can't look in the mirror. Few months ago I was wearing a size 40 (USA 10 UK 12). Now I'm wearing size 36 (USA 6 UK 8). I know I wear 36 because I buy such clothes. I'm trying them in the changing rooms, and they fit me. I'm buying them, wearing them. But when I look into the mirror I see a girl that wears the size 44 (USA 12 UK 14). I don't know why.

I'm just standing there, looking at myself. I'm so disguisting. All of that fat all aruond... The only things I like in my body are collarbones. Of course they're surrounded by fat. But I can say that they'll be looking nice when I'll be slim at last.

I think it's because of my body. It's constructed to wear the size 32 (USA 2 UK 4) and when I'm wearing 36 (USA 6 UK 8) I look like a whale. Or better, like a godzilla ;)


I'm so scared that when I'll buy the scale (Friday) I'll realize I'm fatter then I was 3 weeks ago (last weighting). And when it'll be more than 132 Ibs I'll be sad.

But at the other hand, I can hardly wait to have it at last. 

Old love, new diet

100 kcal cookie
300 kcal cakes (2 small pieces)
30 kcal coffe
152 kcal fish
60 kcal 1/2 cup of rice
142 kcal 2 slices of cheese
20 kcal musrooms + oil 

(+ 50 sit-ups)

804 kcal

Feeling strange. Still. Thinking abot John Lennon. I don't know why. I was in love with him when I was younger, writting letters (I still have them :) ) to him. There're still some butterfiles in my stomach when I find new pics. Old love never dies. 

Sean Lennon - Parachute

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Need to feel warm embrace

It`ll be a short post. I`m sitting,waiting for my two friends,drinking double cappucino (30 kcal), reading `Wintergirls`. Oh yes, it tastes great. I`ve eaten a sandwich (300 kcal) and an apple (50 kcal),drunk two coffies (20 kcal). I will drink a beer (250 kcal).

I will be a good evening after a good day.

My aunt is very ill. She has a cancer and the doctor says she will have a surgery (but there is no hope). I called her this morning,trying to help her. She needs so much attention now. She needs to feel my love. I have always problems with emotions and talking about them. Now I am trying hard to be patient. saying all of those things... It`s strange. I am strange. I said her something I read in a book. It was a quote. I couldn`t use my own words because I felt nothing. I feel nothing,emptiness. That`s odd.


cappucino 30 kcal
sandwich 300 kcal
apple 50 kcal
2 coffies 20 kcal
Beer ( Desperados x 2) 472 kcal


872 kcal 

Tea time

I've just found that pic. It's gorgeous. By the way, on liquids only, drunk 1 cup of coffe. I have to drink something more :) Tea time!

Monday, 24 October 2011

Yes, yes, yes, and no

1 cup of Green Tea with Prickly pear
1 cup of Green Tea with Raspberry
2 cups of coffe with milk 20 kcal
1 cup of Winter Tea with ginger and cinnamon
2 glasses of water

That'd be great if it'd been all. But no, it wasn't. I don't know why I switched off my brain and let my mouth eat. 
So in the evening I ate:

brown rice with curry  322 kcal (rice) + 30 kcal (pepper)+20 kcal (butter) +100 kcal (chicken)= 472 kcal
bisquits with chocolate cream 220 kcal (bisquits) + 160 kcal (2 spoons of chocolate cream) = 380 kcal
cereals with 2 spoons of milk 153 kcal
2 cups of Peppermint tea

= 1025 kcal

It's not good. 

I was exercising yesterday (100 situps, 100 squats, some bends, few stretching exercises). And that's the good news. 

This weekend I'm buying a scale! That'll be the best inspiration. 

Sunday, 23 October 2011

2 days ago

That was the worst weekend ever. I'm exhausted. I've talked to my husband on Saturday about the whole situation (means "the mother"). He told me he understands (bullshit), but I have to get my head together (it's easy to say) and stop being so nevous about it because I've got my own family (as if I could cut off my parents so easily). And if not it'll influence our marriage (in the next 25 years). So I asked him if it's a damn arrangement and his new terms (of course it was). He said no, but I know it was a warning.

But to the point, only liquids today. I was a good girl and excersised in the morning and I'm proud. :) Less than 1000 callories - that's my plan.


50 squats + 50 sit-ups = I defeated the pain.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Finger's ache

My mother is drinking. And she is for the last two years. Drunk 0,5 l of vodka yesterday + 2 beers + a glass of wine. My brother and his girlfriend were invited for a dinner, so I was so concerned... It was a shame. My mother was drunk, still asking my brother's girl questions (do you work today, what's about your work - the 'work' questions are not good, because my brother's girl has some problems with work, what's about your studies - she didn't pass her last exams). I've never been ashamed of my mother. And yesterday I was. I've never been a life on the party one. But yesterday I was. Because I was trying not to let it turn into the dissaster.

In the evening I was crying like a child. It was pathetic and funny ( I've realized it today) I was crying in the bath, surrounded by foam. Oh, in the Marylin Monroe style. :)

I can't excersise. My body's aching.The bloody sore muscles is killing me. I ate too much, but was walking for all the day. Of course there was more than 2000 kcal yesterday, but I'm fighting. I burned 600 kcal (walking for about 6 hours) + 40 kcal (100 squats) + 30 kcal ( 100 sit-ups). Not bad. Monday fast, here I come. 

I admitt it's getting better, it's getting better all the time, getting better all the time. Mantra.

I have to try today. Even my fingers are aching. Bloody Hell.

Friday, 21 October 2011


It's 6 am and I've just ended my excerises. Yes, afer yesterday (dissaster, more than 2000 kcal, it's a shame) I decided to excersise 2 times a day. Hope I will.

Yesterday, I ate so many things... (I was stupid pig, wanting just to fill my mouth. Disguisting). I was suppose to wait for my parents on the station. When I went there I decided I have to burn some callories. And that's the funny part of the story. I was going up and down on the stairs (150 kcal), walking (150 kcal). I was looking like a little freak, I suppose, walking around, climbing the stairs again and again, looking around if there's my parents' bus anywhere. Of course I missed it, at last. :)

(I'm writting and eating a cake at the same time. I just can't stop. I'll be fasting from the Monday. God, I feel so full. I want to purge. But no, it's not a solution. I have to pay for eating. Fast & Excersises.)

Plan for today / almost realized


1 /low fat, no sugar, just honey/ homemade raspberry muffin 80 kcal
3 cups of coffe with milk 30 kcal
1 glass of water

Baked potatoe 200 kcal
1 carrot 24 kcal
1 celery 20 kcal
garlic sauce 30 kcal
chilli sauce 30 kcal
1 spoon of olive oil 40 kcal
= 344 kcal


Something my parents'll bring from home
= not more than 300 kcal
( I know, it's not good for me, but I'm not strong enough to avoid eating)

= 754 kcal (hope I'll eat less)

I have to be strong. That weekend will be hard for me, because I'll have to eat with my parents. Not more than 1000 kcal per day. Promiss. 

# # # I need to be strong. # # #


Of course I ate those cereals yesterday evening :) I hate the sound of eating. When I've heard my husband's eating I had to eat. Two days ago I didn't and it wasn't a good idea. Or, it was. But I wasn't strong enough yesterday.  I was angry. So angry I couldn't look at him, or listening to that crunching. Yesterday was OK. No it wasn't. I just put some cereals (no so much) in the cup and poured milk. I ate it and felt better for a while. Not so long. 

 Well, but I ate only 20 g of it and 1/2 glass of milk (2%). It's 150 kcal. Not so bad, still under 700 kcal.

But I know I didn't need it physically. It was wrong. My stomach was full, my mouth didn't want it. My ears wanted to hear the sound of crunching. 

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Here today


Apple 50 kcal
3 cups of coffe with milk 30 kcal
I cup of Forest Fruit Tea
1 glass of water


1 carrots 24 kcal
2 potatoes 120 kcal
1 spoon of oil 45 kcal 
1/2 celery 20 kcal
1 egg 90 kcal
 = 299 kcal


1 cup of Peach Tea
2 low fat homemade raspberry muffins 160 kcal
cereals with milk 150 kcal

All day: 689 kcal!


Michelangelo Antonioni "Blow up" 1966 (my favourite film)

98.6? I'd love to...

The Bystanders - 98.6  

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Unwanted favours...

Few minutes ago I've read B├írbara's post. She inspired me to write my story. Not interesting, but true.

When I was a teenager I was fat (5'6, 165 Ibs). I was depressed, feeling lonely. Have no friends or boy. I was cutting my wrists. I remember that I was doing this because I wanted to feel real. I didn't know what it means, just wanted to feel something.

Then, during my studies I've lost weight (121 Ibs). I wasn't slim, but it was better. I felt in love and... And then, for a year I was depressed. He wanted just a little affair, not the relationship. His girlfriend didn't even know about me. I was depressed, had bad thoughts. Once, in the evening I was alone in my kitchen and I felt the urge to commit suicide. Wanted to open the window, and just jump. It was THAT feeling. It happended once, but it was dreadful. It was the power that was trying to force me to do that. I can't explain. But it's true.

Since then I know when I'll be depressed. The colours are changing. The green is shining in a strange way. It's blinding me. And then I know I have to do something, not to get depressed again. 

I decided to focus on someting. Just couldn't let it kill me. I focused on studies. I remember, I could fasting for 2-3 days. Didn't remember to eat. The longest fast last the 3 days and few hours when I was learning about Sophocles's Oedipus at Colonus. I still can remember my favourite quote: Unwanted favours gain no gratitude.

And when I started the work I put on weight again (154 Ibs).

For the last few months I'm working to loose some weight. Now I'm 132 Ibs, wanting to gain 110 Ibs.

It's strange, because I've never been slim. Never. I'm slimmer now than I was at school. My friends are complainig they're fatter now. Oh, no - my best friends says - I've never been so fat. 

And I say I've never been slimer than I am now. Slimmer but not slim. I just want to feel that I am slim. And I will.



1 bottle of water (1,5 l)
3 cups of coffe with milk (50 kcal)
Apple pie 100 g (250 kcal)
Apple (50 kcal)
Soup 250 ml (150 kcal)

= 500 kcal

The Rolling Stones - You can't always get what you want

Still hungry?


Cinnamon girl, still fasting

Just've eaten a cinnamon cake. Not so bad. Feeling good, working hard. My cousin's called my mother this morning. He wants us to be on his wedding!!! So nice.

Julie London - Yummy yummy yummy

Monday, 17 October 2011

Yesterday and today

Yesterday was not too bad. I've eaten the first meal at 6 pm.  4 toasts with cheese and pepper. Almost 1000 kcal. Fuck.  Then I've eaten cereals (150 kcal) and cottage cheese (fat free) (100 kcal). To summ up, 1150 kcal.  Not so bad, but not good.

Today I'm very excited. I'll spend all the day on my feets, and burn lot of callories. I don't have to go to the work, and that's great. For the breakfast I've eaten cereals (200 kcal). I'm planning to drink one/two beer/s (250 kcal / 500 kcal), eat an apple (50 kcal) and rice with pepper (200 kcal). To summ up, it'll be less than 1000 kcal per day.

It's a very important day for my brother, he's graduating today. And that's why I'll drink a beer :) I'm stressed, hoping everything will be ok, and he'll deal with the last exam. 


This Friday will be dreadful. My mother's arriving. And she'll stay for the whole weekend. I just don't understand this situation. My situation. My whole family life is a game. I just have to play it for all of the time, taking all of the chances, trying not to give up.  And, in the end, I know it, I'll never win. Don't even know what the prize is. There's no prize, I suppose. Just pain.

I hate it. I have to plan all of conversations, meetings, have to know precisely what I can say them and what I can't. And that's not what a family should be. I'm tired, just tired of it. 

When I'm talking to her (to mother, not mom, or mommy, just mother) I'm feeling I'm 5 years old again and I mean nothing. Nothing to her.

The Grass Roots- Wait A Million Years 

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Not eating, till the evening. Promis.

Easybeats - Sorry

Dion and the Belmonts - Runaround Sue

Some sixties thinpiration

It's always about control

I feel broken. Was trying to eat less then 1000 kcal per that week and it's been working. Till Friday. Not eating's giving me strengh. I feel I can control my life. Now I know I can't. Pity me. The truth is that the feeling of not eating for two - three days (only water ad coffe) is gorgeous. I love it.

The best feeling ever. But it's hard. 

Usually not eating is easy when I am at work. But when I'm home again I just open the fridge and eat. Eat after 6 pm, and ever after 9 pm. I'm trying to be focused on something else. Just trying not to focus on food. 

But I'm thinking about it for all of the time. And I hate it. Hate thinking about food 'cause it's making me eat more. Hate myself sometimes. No I don't have any disorder. No, I am not the fan of Ana. Just trying to find myself.

 Sometimes the weight control is the only thing you can control in your life, girl.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Yes, I've eaten more than 2000 kcal yesterday. Drunk a lot, too. Bloody hell. It's not so simple to tell myself stop when I start eating. Have to do some excersises, drink a lot of red tea (metabolism).

Friday, 14 October 2011

Stronger again

Be strong

The Fat History

Twiggy, my best inspiration. I'm dying to look like she. And I will. A year ago I couldn't imagine I can have long hair. Now it's longer that I've ever had. And I'm proud of it. The last year I didn't even think I can loose my weight. I was 154 Ibs, thinking I'm looking good. Well, today I know  I know I was so fat, looking like a pig. Now, I am 130 Ibs. And it's not enough. 

I'm 170 cm tall, and I weigh 130 Ibs. I need to reach 121 Ibs. I look at myself and I can only see the fat. Everywhere. Love handles. Bullshit, there's no love in it. Just disgusting fat. I'd cut it from my body, just cut it out. But I can't. It's not that easy. Need to loose it. And that's the plan. Hope I'm strong enough to reach 121 Ibs. 


My plan seemed to be easy. I wanted to eat less than 1000 callories per day. And it worked. No sweets till Friday. I let myself eat some sweets and junks on the weekend. Yesterday was awful. I've eaten chips and drunk a lot of champagne and, yes, that was a mistake, I ate chocolate cookies. Have to do some excersises today. Need it desperately. Maybe I'll take some long walk. Not more than 500 kcal today. I know, I should eat less, but it's weekend and I know I can't (dinner with my husband). 500 kcal is enough for the start.

But first I'll drink some coffe. It's 6 am.
I know coffee and ciggarettes are not an answer, bot it kills the need of eating.

Pattie Boyd

Hop hop

Firday, Friday

Thursday, 13 October 2011

To pack up all of my stuff. Not a lot, just a few things. Especially hair-drier. And go away. Sway away.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

You seem to have a friendlier
smile than all the rest
Well I looked and you were best
Yeah i've looked at all the rest


Paul McCartney "Loveliest Thing"
Yes, I am ready to confess that. If I ever write the crime story it'll be about the body that's walled up.

So useless.

Not so innocent at all. Pure sex. 

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Such days are always so depressive. It's cold and rainy. I feel that strange thing inside. You can't just write about that feeling. So overhelming. Something's going to happen. That's it. Not butterflies but moths in my stomach.

Can't breath

Monday, 10 October 2011

-It wasn’t ‘dating’. It was a one, single date. A simple supper… Don’t look at me that way… A simple supper without breakfast. It wasn’t a date at all. – that was my whole confession. – So you think that a proper date is something that starts with supper and ends with breakfast?

I’d told him not to drink at home. No girls and no parties - I said. Now he was bored to death.

Easy monday

So nice :) It's so cold outside, but the song warms me up.

If I ever wanted somebody to fuck, I promiss, I'll phone you.
Cancer is a dreadful thing. My aunt is sick now, and I'm afraid. I'm so scared about the next months. I know she's more than 80 years old, her life was long, full of emotions, happiness and sadness, smiles and cries... but it's hard to agree, to say OK to death of beloved person. It's so hard to say ... let it be. 

When I heard "Little willow", the song by Paul McCartney I realized I have to sing it. And I was singing it, crying, singing, laughing,singing again and again.