Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Unwanted favours...

Few minutes ago I've read Bárbara's post. She inspired me to write my story. Not interesting, but true.

When I was a teenager I was fat (5'6, 165 Ibs). I was depressed, feeling lonely. Have no friends or boy. I was cutting my wrists. I remember that I was doing this because I wanted to feel real. I didn't know what it means, just wanted to feel something.

Then, during my studies I've lost weight (121 Ibs). I wasn't slim, but it was better. I felt in love and... And then, for a year I was depressed. He wanted just a little affair, not the relationship. His girlfriend didn't even know about me. I was depressed, had bad thoughts. Once, in the evening I was alone in my kitchen and I felt the urge to commit suicide. Wanted to open the window, and just jump. It was THAT feeling. It happended once, but it was dreadful. It was the power that was trying to force me to do that. I can't explain. But it's true.

Since then I know when I'll be depressed. The colours are changing. The green is shining in a strange way. It's blinding me. And then I know I have to do something, not to get depressed again. 

I decided to focus on someting. Just couldn't let it kill me. I focused on studies. I remember, I could fasting for 2-3 days. Didn't remember to eat. The longest fast last the 3 days and few hours when I was learning about Sophocles's Oedipus at Colonus. I still can remember my favourite quote: Unwanted favours gain no gratitude.

And when I started the work I put on weight again (154 Ibs).

For the last few months I'm working to loose some weight. Now I'm 132 Ibs, wanting to gain 110 Ibs.

It's strange, because I've never been slim. Never. I'm slimmer now than I was at school. My friends are complainig they're fatter now. Oh, no - my best friends says - I've never been so fat. 

And I say I've never been slimer than I am now. Slimmer but not slim. I just want to feel that I am slim. And I will.

No comments:

Post a Comment